'I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. 'When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. Ann Landers Funny Quotes About ParentingĨ0. Success depends on which one we use the most.' 'The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. 'Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.'ħ9. 'A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.'ħ8. 'People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”ħ7. 'Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.'ħ6. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.'ħ5. 'Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Sandra Bullock Clever Quotes and Sayingsħ4. 'Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.' 'All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.'ħ3. 'My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.'ħ2. 'Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 'Instant gratification takes too long.'ħ0. 'Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.'Ħ9. 'Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.'Ħ8. 'I've had great success being a total idiot. 'Never miss a good chance to shut up.'Ħ6. 'Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”Ħ5. 'Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.'Ħ4. 'If you can't be kind, at least be vague.'Ħ2. 'The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.'Ħ0. Sir Norman Wisdom Funny Quotes About Marriageĥ9. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.' 'Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.'Ĥ9. 'You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.' -George BurnsĤ8. 'No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.'Ĥ7. 'Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.'Ĥ6. 'People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.'Ĥ5. 'You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.'Ĥ4. 'Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.'Ĥ3. 'The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.'Ĥ2. 'I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.''ģ1. 'When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.

'Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.'ģ0.

'I drink to make other people more interesting.'Ģ9. 'Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. 'Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.'Ģ7. 'A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.'Ģ6. 'Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.'Ģ5. Looking for more inspiration? Be sure to check out these funny graduation quotes and inspirational quotes about life as well. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious - and we’re all much better off laughing so we don't cry! With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. We’ve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. Telling corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine - plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Famous funny guy Charlie Chaplin once said, 'A day without laughter is a day wasted,' and we couldn't agree more.

Funny words of wisdom pictures